In Which I Am Doing Much Better / Sunday, August 27, 2006
Thank you all for your emails. I think that I'm over the worst of it. I'm not so upset anymore. I realize that Father Vic and Chandler, although they were trying to help, are just plain wrong. Murphy (my therapist - actually she's a Christian councilor) said that it was the devil trying to use two people I respect against me. There's a bit in the bible where Jesus is talking to his disciples about Him having to be crucified:
"From that time, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders, chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and the third day be raised up. Peter took him aside, and began to rebuke him, saying, 'Far be it from you, Lord! This will never be done to you.' But he turned, and said to Peter, 'Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me, for you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of men.'"
Matthew 16:21 - 23
Which helps an awful lot. Peters intentions are good, he doesn't want Jesus to die, but Jesus knows he has to die to save us from our sins, so Peter, speaking without the holy spirit and as a man is tempting Jesus. Basically doing the devils work through Peters good intentions.
She also told me the only persons advice I should be listening to is Gods. I'm still having trouble forgiving Father Vic and Chandler, but I'm praying for help with that.
I also appreciate all your emails, they have been very helpful as well. A little bit more anger towards Dr. Dobson et al than Murphy has, but the points are true. Ashley and I love Toby and that's all we can do right? Maybe Toby will be screwed up in the future. I'm going to try my best to stop that happening, but I have no real power over that. He's his own (eventually) man.
I am getting some space right now as well, and that is also much appreciated. Aunt Fifi and Uncle Gordie are looking after him for a few nights. It's given me the space to breathe and think about things objectively.
So Pete has managed, with the help of his friends and God, to steer himself clear of insanity. Yay!
I have been working this weekend at Ashs place. They're still moving into the new offices so I've been moving printers about, hooking up computers and other things that casual workers do. I spent a bit more time doing the casual part than the work part though. I guess that's what happens when everyone is getting paid hourly...
I'm looking into doing an IT course or something so I can earn me some grip. I'm going to do an evening course. I have to go and find out about financing it, I think I might be able to get a student loan (I think that the course is only a couple of grand and the interest on student loans is very low) We've got to find some child care for Toby though. I didn't really want to put him in daycare until he was a year old, but we need the dough. I might try and get a job at the state so Ash and I can ride together. I'd need another car if I was working somewhere else and we can afford that until l I start working and have saved a bit of money.
Oh, I've put one of my songs on my blog. I'll try and get a new one up every time I post. If you want to listen to it you'll have to actually got to my blog (if you receive this as an email) and right now it's in the top left corner. It might not be in a bit, I think I might change my blog around again. I saw a cooler looking (interactive!) skin than this one, so I'm going to use that one I think.
/Hopped!
9:39 PM
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In Which I Almost (?) Have A Complete Meltdown / Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Ok, I guess I'd better explain the title before I get into anything else. Otherwise you'd just skip down to wherever I talked about it.
Alright this is some real personal stuff here, like what's going on in my head so be prepared for some seriousness...
Lets start at the beginning. You have no idea how much I am carrying on my shoulders right now. I have to be careful what I say to Ash right now, for example, on the Friday before last I went to the bank to get some money out to buy lunch for Ash and I and found out that we were $400 overdrawn. I kind of got a bit stressed. Ash said she couldn't deal with the stress right now, because she's not "normal." I told her that she's going to have to learn, because she hasn't been "normal" for close to a year. It's just as well she was at work otherwise she would've cut herself. If you want to know about the cutting you'll have to read Ash's blog at
http://prozacbrat.blogspot.com/ I can't really talk about that. She hasn't done it for a while which is a blessing.
I also, of course, have Toby to worry about. Every minute he's awake I worry that I'm doing something to screw him up. I don't mean hurt him I mean sometime in the future something I have done right now, like letting him cry while I'm in the shower, is going to mess his head up in some way. At night I have nightmares about either him or Ash dying. It's not fun.
There's also the fact that we were overdrawn and I didn't get that job, so us moving out of here isn't getting any closer at the moment. But that's just one of those many little problems I have on top of the big ones.
So you can see I have my worries.
I was coping pretty well with all this until I had a big hit on the side of the head from my rector. Not really what I was expecting!
I went to church and we went out to lunch afterwards, as we often do. Somehow James Dobson came up in the conversation. I said that he was an idiot, because I'd read half of one of his books called Bringing Up Boys and he spent most of the first half of the book explaining how kids can grow up screwed up, like gay or suicidal (not that being gay is screwed up) and then he says that the main reason for this is because men are staying at home looking after the kids and women are going out to work. Sound familiar? So I think he's an idiot. I explained this to the shocked faces around the table (I think that people around here think that James Dobson is close to sainthood) the reciprocated by telling me that actually he was right and I was wrong. At least the men without kids thought he was right. Alright. So they're entitled to their opinion. Hard though it is because it was Father Vic and Chandler, two people I really love and respect.
So conversation over. Later on Toby starts laughing. Everyone says that he's such a happy baby. I say, jokingly, "That's because he's been bought up by his daddy!" Father Vic says "Wait two years."
You know that feeling you get just before you do something scary? That hollow feeling in your stomach? Well I got that. I forced my food down and left. It wasn't the straw that broke the camels back, more like an anvil that just plain killed him.
I realized that they're just waiting for me to fail. You remember that I was scared that I was going to screw Toby up? Well I guess I'm no longer scared. I'm going to screw him up. I don't know if you can put yourself in my shoes here, I feel like I'm going to screw the kid up and I have to look after him. I'm with him all the time. I can't be miserable in front of him. If I didn't have to look after Toby I'd still be in bed with the covers over my head, crying. As it is I just cry myself to sleep, and when Toby is napping. The rest of the time I'm happy as Larry.
Here's what I'm thinking. What's the point? If he's going to be screwed up anyhow why bother? End it now while he's still happy. You think that's a happy thought to have going round your head? How could Father Vic be so senseless? How come God called someone who would say something like that into his ministry? The only real friends I've made myself (i.e. not friends of the family) since I got here and neither of them support me. Boy! Can I pick them. How many other people I know feel like they do? That's basically it, just variations on those themes really. It's the first one that really upsets me. How could I think such a thing?
Well I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow, maybe she'll be able to help me out. I seem to be doing a bit better now, I'm not crying all the available time I have anymore, It's just another one of those things to put in the back of my head and hope it stays there.
As far as other things go...
Ash is doing good, she's enjoying her job. They've just made a move into a brand new building. I went to see her today for lunch. It's much nicer than her old building. She's working weekends so she can get some extra time off. She gets 1 1/2 days for every day she works. She's a lot happier now than I've seen her in a while. I think her new meds are working well.
Toby is doing great, I was spending a lot more time playing with him before the incident. I have to get back to doing that. First I've got a lot of housework to do. I kind of stopped doing anything for the last few days, so I have some catching up to do. It's hard to do stuff now, I have to really keep an eye on the little chap, he's crawling really fast, and getting into things he shouldn't!
My mother-in-law broke her foot trying to climb up on the roof. Don't ask. She decided to climb up onto the roof to see if they had fixed it up right after Katrina. Joe and I were both in the house, but she though she'd just have a quick look herself. She's broken four metacarsels (or something like that) and she has to keep off her foot for at least another month, probably two.
That's about it.
By the way, don't worry about me. I'll be alright. I'm just kind of messed up right now. Give me a couple of weeks and I'll be back to normal. I don't know if I'll be able to look Father Vic in the eyes again, so I'm not sure I'll be going back to church. I really just feel like running away. I can't do that though. I guess I just need a break. From everything. Go up in to the mountains and spend some time alone. Well there aren't any mountains around here, but I'm sure I can find something. I just need to breathe.
/Hopped!
8:20 PM
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In Which We Have A Family Outing To Hattiesburg / Tuesday, August 01, 2006
It's not like we did much while we were there though, we just went to see one of Ash's online buddies, someone she met on the dec 2005 expecting board who has a baby two weeks older than Toby. His name is Carter (the baby that is) and his momma is Kayla (that's Ash's friend) his daddy is called Todd. They're nice people, we got on alright. I think they're going to come down here sometime in the next month.
Oh, Hattiesburg is in Mississippi by the way. It's here:
http://www.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=hattiesburg,+MS&ie=UTF8&t=k&om=1&ll=31.522361,-89.274902&spn=7.170058,21.796875. It seems like a nice place. We just hung about and enjoyed being away from Baton Rouge really.
My interview on Friday went alright, not great, but not bad either. Apparently there was only 80 people wh0 got through to the team assessment, and BASF have a bunch of plants they bought recently. so I'm thinking the chances are pretty good for me. I don't want to get my hopes up though. If I do get it though it'll mean Ash and I can move out, which will mean that I won't have to vacuum as much floor on my days off!
Lets see... That's about it for actual things happening I think. I did listen to Sunset Rubdowns album, which I think is pretty good. I can only find a Myspace site for them. It's here:
http://www.myspace.com/sunestrubdown It's kind of Modest Mouseyish, but a bit weirder. I also heard this group called Margot and The Nuclear So and Sos who sound pretty good. I only heard an acoustic set on AOL before now. They don't sound too bad electrified either though. If nothing else they have a very cool name. Their website is here:
http://www.margotandthenuclearsoandsos.com/index_news.html.
Oh, there's also this song. I can't remeber the name of the group, but it's mind blowing.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
/Hopped!
8:59 AM
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