In Which I'm Doing OK / Monday, February 04, 2008
Hey people.
Well where do I start? I guess I should start about a month ago....
Ashley died in a car accident on the 8th of Janurary. (I'm sorry if this is the first you've heard of this) She was hit by a ten ton truck on the drivers side and I am told that she broke her neck and died instantly. She was the only person in the car.
My boss called me while I was building a display that I'd just managed to sell into a Walmart in Hammond (about an hour away from Baton Rouge) telling me that Ash had been in an accident and to call a person who works in a store at the intersection. I called him as I was driving back. He passed me over to a police officer who said he hadn't been over to see the paramedics. Neither of them would tell me anything. I half knew that she was dead by then.
So I raced back, as I was coming up to the junction down from the one that the accident was at and Joe (FIL) called me and told me to go home. I told him I was just down the road so I came up.
The car was a wreck. Joe and Dianne (MIL) were already there. I parked by them, the policeman directed me to Dianne and she just said "She's gone."
The pain I felt at that time was physical. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I can't describe it, and I truely hope none of you feel anything like it.
The policeman drove us back to Joe and Diannes house. Joe and Dianne got out of the car and I just said that I wanted to go home and see my mummy. I am so glad she was here.
The rest of the day is kind of a blur. Lucy had an appointment at the doctors and it was the most important thing in the world that I take her. She didn't have a mummy anymore and I couldn't fail her as a daddy.
There was people who were round at my house, for the rest of the week pretty much. I think that's enough details for right now.
People have been helping me so much. Mother has just helped by being here, Cindy a deacon from my church has helped so much with all the details. Father Vic, the old reverend from St. Margarets changed his plans with great difficulty to fly in to do the service, Murphy Ash's Christian Counciller has given me sessions for free, Tobys sitter has looked after Toby and Lucy for me. My church family and friends have been supporting me so much. I have enough nappies and formula to last a year. I had a fridge and a freezer full of food. People came over and have cleaned my house for me several times.
Ash's online friends have helped me as much as they possibly can from a distance. Dan, one of Ash's Twitter friends set up a fund. He came over last week with a cheque for $7,800. I have got various cheques from all of the mommy boards that Ash was a member of. That is all very much appreciated, but the biggest gift they gave me was their memories, thoughts and prayers. There was an Ashley I never knew. Fortunately their was a lot of people who did. I call them online friends but they were as true friends as anyone she met IRL.
I have so much gratitude for all of the people who have helped me. I wish there was some way to express it. There are so many wonderful people who have helped me. There's nothing I could do to repay it. All I can say is thank you.
The service was beautiful. Ashley would've loved it. It was standing room only at the church. Chelsea, Mindy and Tammy all got up and said beautiful things about Ash, about how she changed their lives. Some of her friends from church sang a song for her. I couldn't move more than a foot without getting a hug from someone.
The Monday following the Saturday servicewas my birthday. I went to church on Sunday to get blessed. That wasn't easy.
A couple of weeks later Lucy got Christened. That was hard too.
The next three big things coming up are Going back to work (on Wednesday), Valentines day, and our anniversary (the 3rd of March).
Now, I know you all want to know how I feel. I'll try and let you know, but I'm not too eloquent so you'll have to forgive me...
Emotions I am feeling:
ANGER: Why did she do something stupid like get herself killed and leave me two little kids to look after? Where's the timing in this God? You had to take her now?
FEAR: How am I going to handle looking after two children and keep a roof over their head? How am I going to tell them that their mother is dead? How messed up will they be? When is my time? I can't die now. I have to look after my children.
LONLINESS: My bed is too big. I miss her. I miss her smile. Heck I even miss her nagging. I miss cudding up the couch with her watching rubbish TV. I miss her laugh.
RESOLVE: I HAVE to stay alive, for my children. I must love them enough for two. I have to be there for them. Everything else comes second, my childrens happiness is first.
BLESSED: To have so much support. That my children and mother weren't in the car with her. That she was the happiest I'd seen her in a while for the last couple of weeks of her life. That she spent the morning before playing with Toby. That the last thing I told her was "I love you". I know Ash isn't just looking down on me. She's carrying me.
Linda, mother, Lucy, Toby and I have just got back from Florida after a long weekend. It was refreshing. It gave me the strength to write this.
We're going to be alright.
God bless all of you. I beg all of you to drive carefully. Saving two minutes on your journey isn't all that important.
/Hopped!
8:28 PM
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